After planning for your support group for weeks, or even months, it's time for your first meeting. You feel rather organized. You've prepared a proposal to start up a support group which was approved by an organization or church. You've put together a welcome folder for new members and you have scheduled your topic or speakers for coming months.
So, you're meeting is sure to run perfectly, Right? Unfortunately, all the plans in the world cannot cancel out a few unforeseen situations. Below are four of the aggravations you may experience during those first few meetings. Knowing what hurdles you may encounter can help you be prepared in advance.
(1) Few people attend.
How it feels: Disheartening. After putting in so much of your personal time (despite your own illness), it can be very disappointing to feel like dozens of people aren't benefiting from all of your hard work and passion. Recognize that a low turnout is typical and not something to be taken personally. It can be extremely difficult to organize people who are ill to show up at the same place at the same time. One obvious reason is that when they feel ill, they are less likely to leave their home and go socialize with others. Just talking can be physically draining. And when they feel well, the last thing they may want to do is sit around and talk about the days they are in physical pain.
What to do: Hope for the best and prepare for the few. As a Christian organization, the HopeKeepers small group program founder says, "Although it's disheartening when just a couple of people show up, I know that God created that appointment. When I led a group once, just one person came, but we had the best conversation and she admitted that she was extremely shy and likely would not have even spoken if other people had attended the meeting."
Also, keep an outline of your lesson, and even include what kinds of topics people shared. This way you can easily "repeat" the meeting with little preparation as a follow up. You may want to call people and, without pressuring them, ask if there is anything that you can do to make it easier for them to attend. Do they need a ride? What is typically a good time of day for a meeting?
(2) Your lesson plan is completely ignored.
How it feels: It's easy to feel as though your lesson isn't interesting or brilliant enough. It can feel like people don't like your ideas or that they just don't care about the time you spent preparing.
What to do: Allow some flexibility at first and then add in more structure as the group meets. The truth is that most people are probably excited and even relieved to have other people who understand what they are going through. Simply gathering people together in one room and can open the floodgates of emotions that people have held back for years. It's hard to hold up a book and a lesson plan and force people to remain focused when a member is in tears over the ending of her marriage, for which she blames her illness. This situation can occur at any meeting, but may be more frequent during the first month.
Talk to your group about your desire to allow people to share, but also that you want everyone to leave feeling refreshed. So regardless of what happens during the meeting, you will plan to end with an uplifting article, scripture, poem, prayer, devotional, etc.
(3) Everyone complains! About relationships, medical professionals, their illness-everything!
How it feels: Sometimes, like you are surviving a small mutiny. You will find many emotions that have not been expressed until now. People have deep wounds about things people have said to them or how they've treated them; unjust consequences due to their illness; perhaps even medical errors. It may feel like they want you to fix the chaos or else they will talk incessantly about it until you do.
What to do: Set up some basic guidelines before your first meeting if possible, and include the "venting guidelines." Set a timer and allow everyone to have 60 seconds to share their most frustrating experience of the week. Start a contest with a prize for who handled their situation the best or most creatively. Or be silly and give an award for someone to take home for the week, like "Aggravated the Alligator Award" (a rubber alligator)
Group members should have a sense of freedom in sharing their concerns and annoyances, but be sure to include others in the conversation. If Jane can't seem to let go of a situation, add, "Jane, I know some of us can identify with what you are sharing. Can someone else tell us how she or he has dealt with the emotions that accompany a situation that was similar?" If you are doing a study you can say, "Since we want to have plenty of time at the end to share something uplifting, let's move on to question five. Jane, would it be okay if people could offer their encouragement after the meeting or maybe later this week with a phone call or email?"
(4) One person dominates the conversation and seems to take over the meetings, disregarding any plans you have or other's need to talk.
How it feels: Infuriating! After all your preparation it can be annoying to have someone override your entire meeting and take the group down a path that lacks the encouragement you want to provide. You justifiably could be concerned about her impact on the group and how many people she could scare away.
What to do: Set boundaries at the beginning. While it's vital that people are allowed to communicate their disappointments, it's important that they also respect group members. They must watch their language, be aware of the amount of time they are talking, be respectful in the decisions others make about their medical treatments and more.
Put together some simple guidelines at the beginning that you hand out to new members in a welcome folder. Then if the person dominating the meetings doesn't get your hints, speak with her privately. You may also want to put her in charge of a certain part of the meeting so she can have a designated time to talk and be in a leadership position. When situations like this occur, people can be gently reminded of the guidelines they received when they first joined the group. It won't feel quite as personal as you correcting their behavior.
Lastly, don't be too hard on yourself. You will learn as you go. Facilitating a support group is often assumed to be a simple undertaking. It's a myth that all one does is announce a meeting, lots of people attend, everyone shares and supports one another, and not personality conflicts arrive. That is impossible.
It takes a extraordinary person to lead a group; one who can effectively communicate. One who has a gift in gently guiding people in the direction you wish them to go, so that the group is a place to lay down one's burdens, not pick up more arms. A leader should be able offer compassion, but also set boundaries and sometimes diffuse anger. As conditions arise, look to other leaders for ideas and support and perhaps even mentoring. And don't ever forget that there are no leaders that feel one-hundred percent proficient. Having a willingness to learn and listen is one of the best ways you can become a leader blessed with a group where lives are changed.
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Get organized in advance for the unknowns with your group by first reading How to Start a Chronic Illness Small Group Ministry, the new book by Lisa Copen, founder of Rest Ministries. These 320-pages will gear you up and address all your concerns.
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